MINDY AMITA AISLING
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A Blog for Big-Hearted Overthinkers

Canid Commentary & Useful Hacks on Being Human

Ending a Relationship Can be a Good Thing — Heres Why

8/22/2023

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Ending a Relationship Can be a Good Thing -- Heres Why
In a world that often romanticizes the idea of eternal love and "happily ever after," the notion of ending a relationship can be met with skepticism and sadness. However, it's essential to recognize that there are circumstances when ending a relationship can actually be a positive and transformative step. In fact, staying in a relationship beyond the point of healthy uncoupling can be detrimental to the mental and emotional health of the partners (and children) in the marriage. The Christianization of our society has sold us a story that shames the naturally occurring ending of some relationships - this is not a story that you have to accept. It's okay for you to feel positive as you move forward to end your marriage or long-term relationship.  While, of course, the decision is never taken lightly, here are some reasons why ending a relationship can be a good thing:
  1. Personal Growth and Self-Discovery. Relationships provide a unique mirror through which we see ourselves and our behaviors reflected. When a relationship reaches a point where growth and self-discovery are stunted or hindered, ending it can open doors to personal development. The process of healing and moving forward can encourage individuals to explore their own aspirations, passions, and strengths that might have been overshadowed within the confines of the relationship.
  2. Toxic Dynamics and Unhappiness​. Not all relationships are healthy or conducive to well-being. Toxic dynamics marked by emotional abuse, manipulation, or constant conflicts can erode the mental and emotional health of both partners. Ending such a relationship becomes a critical step in reclaiming one's self-esteem, peace of mind, and happiness.
  3. Divergent Life Paths. As time passes, individuals may evolve in different directions with distinct life goals and values. A relationship that was once harmonious might no longer align with the aspirations of both partners. In such cases, ending the relationship can allow each person to pursue their dreams and life paths independently, without compromising their individual identities.
  4. Emotional and Mental Well-being. A thriving relationship should contribute positively to one's emotional and mental well-being. However, when a partnership begins to cause excessive stress, anxiety, or depression, it becomes counterproductive. Prioritizing emotional and mental health often means recognizing when a relationship is taking a toll and making the difficult choice to end it.
  5. Creating Space for Positive Relationships. Just as clearing clutter creates space for new possibilities, ending a relationship can create space for healthier connections to enter your life. It's an opportunity to engage with others who resonate with your values, interests, and aspirations. Embracing change opens the door to new friendships, romantic partnerships, and enriching experiences.
  6. Preventing Stagnation. A relationship that is no longer fulfilling can lead to emotional stagnation and complacency. The discomfort of ending a relationship can act as a catalyst for personal reinvention and exploration. It encourages individuals to step out of their comfort zones, take risks, and seek experiences that invigorate their lives.
  7. Respecting Boundaries and Autonomy. Every individual deserves to be in a relationship where their boundaries and autonomy are respected. Ending a relationship that disregards these fundamental principles is an act of self-respect. It communicates the value of personal agency and reminds both partners that a healthy partnership should be built on mutual respect and consideration.
The decision to end a marriage or long-term relationship is never easy. It's a step that comes with a multitude of emotions, questions, and uncertainties. Yet, there are times when divorce or ending the relationship can be a good thing – a choice that leads to growth, healing, and the chance for both partners to embark on new journeys. Ending a relationship with love and compassion is a path that, while challenging, can pave the way for a healthier and brighter future.

Recognizing the Signs of a Healthy Ending
In certain situations, divorce can indeed be a positive step. When a relationship becomes toxic, marked by constant conflicts, emotional or physical abuse, or a lack of support and connection, it can erode the well-being of both partners. In these instances, choosing to end the relationship can be an act of self-care and self-preservation.

Additionally, when partners have grown apart and their values, goals, or life paths have diverged significantly, it may be beneficial to part ways amicably. Rather than clinging to a relationship that no longer serves both individuals' best interests, ending it can open doors to new opportunities for personal growth, happiness, and fulfillment.

Approaching the End with Love and Compassion

The end of a relationship need not be marked by bitterness and resentment. Choosing to end a relationship with love and compassion can lead to a more graceful and healing separation process.
  1. Open Communication: Honest and respectful communication is key. Initiate a calm and honest conversation with your partner, expressing your feelings, concerns, and reasons for the decision. Be open to listening to their perspective as well.
  2. Increase Your Self-Care: Going through an ending of a chapter in our lives can be challenging, and your well-being should take center stage. Make sure to dedicate time and energy to your self-care and activities that help you feel both grounded and passionate. 
  3. Seek Professional Guidance: Divorce can be complex, especially when it comes to legal, financial, and emotional aspects. Consulting with therapists, counselors, or divorce mediators can help navigate these complexities and ensure a smoother process.
  4. Focus on Empathy: Put yourself in your partner's shoes and strive to understand their feelings and perspective. This empathy can lay the foundation for a more amicable separation.
  5. Acknowledge Shared History: Celebrate the positive moments and shared experiences you had together. This acknowledgment can help both partners find closure and move forward without lingering resentment.
  6. Create a Support Network: Surround yourself with friends, family, and professionals who can provide emotional support as you navigate the transition. Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
  7. Grieve:  All endings require us to go through the grief process.  Even if ending your relationship is the right decision, there are still going to be feelings of loss, sadness, anger and grief.  This is totally normal and okay - give yourself the time to process these feelings, so that you can ensure your emotional health going forward. 

Embracing New Beginnings
​

While the decision to divorce or end a relationship can be difficult, it also opens the door to new beginnings. It offers the opportunity for personal growth, self-discovery, and the pursuit of individual goals and aspirations. Embracing this new chapter can lead to a more fulfilled life, even in the midst of challenges.

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When We Are Unable To Meet Our Partner's Needs

8/22/2023

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When We Are Unable To Meet Our Partner's Needs
As much as we might wish otherwise, we are not omnipotent beings capable of fulfilling every need and desire our partner has. Human beings are inherently diverse, and our needs are multifaceted. These needs can range from emotional support and intimacy to practical assistance and validation. While our intentions might be pure, our limitations are a reality we must confront.

It's important to remember that being unable to meet all our partner's needs does not diminish our worth or commitment to the relationship. Recognizing our limitations is a sign of self-awareness. Just as our partner is not responsible for fulfilling all our needs, it is unhealthy for us to carry the responsibility of our partner's needs (more on this here). 

Communication Is Key

When we realize that we're unable to meet certain needs of our partners, honest and open communication becomes more crucial than ever. Suppressing these feelings of inadequacy or guilt can create a barrier in the relationship. Instead, engage in a heartfelt conversation with your partner. Express your willingness to understand and support them while acknowledging the areas where you might fall short.

This dialogue is not about blaming oneself or one's partner, but rather about finding solutions together. Perhaps you can work together to identify alternative sources of support or find compromises that address both partners' needs. Remember, you are only limited by your own creativity!  Transparency and vulnerability in these discussions can pave the way for a more resilient and compassionate connection. 

Seeking External Support

When there are specific needs that you cannot fulfill due to inherent limitations or circumstances, it's wise to explore external avenues of support. This could involve seeking advice from friends, family, or professionals who specialize in the relevant areas. For instance, if your partner is dealing with a mental health challenge, a trained therapist could offer the expertise and guidance necessary to navigate that journey.  If your seeking to increase your creativity regarding the meeting of needs in your relationship, coaching is a great tool and I encourage you to seek out a free first time (joint or individual) session. 

Cultivating Empathy and Understanding

In times when you cannot meet your partner's needs, empathy and understanding become invaluable tools. First, use these tools on yourself, and take care to not put yourself down or enter into a shame cycle because of your inability to meet your partner's needs.  You can also put yourself in their shoes and imagine how it might feel to have an unfulfilled need. Empathy and compassion (for self and other) are the 'grease' in a relationship - they keep it running smoothly, so use them as frequently as possible!

Encourage your partner to share their feelings and thoughts openly. Validate their emotions and reassure them that their needs are valid, even if you cannot meet them entirely. Sometimes, just being a supportive presence and actively listening can make a significant positive impact.

The Strength of a Resilient Relationship

An inability to meet all of our partner's needs doesn't equate to failure or inadequacy. Instead, it's an opportunity for growth and strength within the relationship. Challenges are a natural part of any partnership, and how we navigate them defines the depth of our connection.

By communicating openly, seeking external support, and cultivating empathy, partners can find new ways to support each other through various situations.  It is also important to note that sometimes ending a relationship can be a good thing, and the most appropriate thing in a given situation.  If a relationship ends, you can close that chapter with love and grace. 

When you and your partner are committed to a healthy "meeting of the needs", without blame or judgement, incredible things can happen.  So, let go of how you think it should be, get curious, and explore how things can be when you let your partner "off the hook" for meeting your needs.

Related Articles:
  • Am I Responsible For Meeting My Partner's Needs?
  • When Our Partner is Unable To Meet Our Needs
  • ​Ending a Relationship Can be a Good Thing — Heres Why
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What Is a Vulnerability Hangover and How Do You Cure It?

8/17/2023

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What Is a Vulnerability Hangover and How Do You Cure It? by Mindy Aisling
Have you ever experienced that overwhelming wave of discomfort and regret after opening up and being vulnerable? That gnawing feeling that maybe you revealed too much or shared something that should have remained hidden? Welcome to the realm of the vulnerability hangover, a phenomenon that many of us have encountered but few truly understand. Let's delve into what a vulnerability hangover is and explore strategies to overcome it.

Understanding the Vulnerability Hangover
The term "vulnerability hangover" was coined by Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and storyteller who has extensively studied vulnerability, shame, and courage. This phenomenon refers to the intense feeling of emotional discomfort or even regret that follows after we've shared something personal, authentic, or vulnerable with others. It's that sinking sensation that leaves us questioning our decision to be open and exposed.

Why Does It Happen?
Vulnerability hangovers arise from a collision of emotions. When we share something personal or authentic, we open ourselves to the possibility of judgment, rejection, or misunderstanding. Our brain's natural response to potential threats is to trigger discomfort, anxiety, and even shame. This is a survival mechanism, but in the context of vulnerability, it can manifest as a vulnerability hangover.

Curing the Vulnerability Hangover
While the vulnerability hangover can be uncomfortable, it's important to recognize that it's a sign of growth and courage. It indicates that you've stepped out of your comfort zone and allowed yourself to be seen authentically. Here are strategies to help you navigate and cure the vulnerability hangover:

1. Self-Compassion:
Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that feeling vulnerable is a natural part of being human. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a close friend who's experiencing a similar situation.

2. Reflect:
Take some time to reflect on why you chose to be vulnerable in the first place. What was the intention behind sharing your thoughts or experiences? Often, recognizing the positive reasons behind your actions can help alleviate the discomfort.

3. Normalize It:
Understand that vulnerability hangovers are common, especially when we step outside our comfort zones. Knowing that others experience this too can reduce the feeling of isolation.

4. Challenge Negative Thoughts:
If you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts or self-criticism, challenge them. Consider whether those thoughts are based on facts or if they're being blown out of proportion by your vulnerability hangover.

5. Seek Support:
Talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling. Sharing your vulnerability hangover experience with a friend or confidant can help you process your emotions and gain a different perspective.

6. Embrace Growth:
Remind yourself that vulnerability is a catalyst for personal growth and connection. The discomfort you're feeling is a sign that you're pushing boundaries and evolving as an individual.

7. Stay Present:
Practice mindfulness techniques to stay present and grounded. Focusing on the here and now can help alleviate the anxiety associated with a vulnerability hangover.

8. Practice Gradual Exposure:
If vulnerability hangovers are a recurring issue for you, consider practicing gradual exposure. Start by sharing smaller, less intense vulnerabilities before gradually working your way up to more personal topics.

9. Embrace Imperfection:
Recognize that nobody has it all figured out. Embrace your imperfections and understand that vulnerability is a sign of authenticity, not weakness.

10. Celebrate Courage:
Acknowledge and celebrate the courage it took to be vulnerable. Focus on the bravery you demonstrated rather than fixating on any perceived shortcomings.

The vulnerability hangover may be uncomfortable, but it's a testament to your willingness to be genuine and open with others. Instead of allowing it to hold you back, use it as a stepping stone toward personal growth and deeper connections. By practicing self-compassion, reframing your thoughts, and celebrating your courage, you can navigate vulnerability hangovers and reap the rewards of living an authentic and fulfilling life.
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'Being Right' Damages Relationships: The Greater Truth

6/28/2023

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Being Right Damages Relationships: The Greater Truth
Relationships thrive on understanding, compromise, and empathy. When individuals become entrenched in the belief that their opinions are absolute truths, while dismissing the perspectives of others as unequivocally wrong, it can inflict significant damage on those relationships. Being stuck in the notion of 'being right' erodes the foundations of healthy connection, and has a detrimental effect on communication. Effective communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, whether personal or professional. When individuals hold a rigid belief in their own moral superiority or correctness, it creates an environment of closed-mindedness and undermines meaningful dialogue.
Self-righteousness is defined as, "having or characterized by a certainty that one is totally correct."  I would describe it as, "lacking understanding regarding the difference between data and story, and believing that "your story" is "fact", or "the truth."
Self-righteousness breeds a closed-minded attitude that leaves little room for empathy, curiosity, or understanding. When individuals firmly believe they possess the ultimate truth or moral high ground, they tend to dismiss alternative perspectives. Consequently, conversations become one-sided and lack the necessary exchange of ideas, thus preventing growth, learning and connection. In professional relationships, a lack of openness inhibits the development of creative solutions and stifles collaboration, leading to interpersonal conflicts and stagnation.

​In personal relationships, self-righteousness blocks connection, and prevents accurately seeing the other persona and knowing who they really are in their most beautiful, authentic expression.  When one person adamantly insists on being right and disregards the other person's viewpoint, it creates an environment of hostility and defensiveness. The conversation becomes a battleground, with both parties striving to assert their correctness rather than engaging in a meaningful exchange of ideas. As a result, dialogue becomes superficial, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and strained relationships.
Persistently maintaining the belief that you are right while dismissing others as wrong can erode trust and respect within a relationship. Trust is built on mutual understanding and acceptance, and respect is nurtured through valuing diverse perspectives. When one person dismisses the opinions or experiences of others, it sends a message that their thoughts and feelings are insignificant or unworthy of consideration, and that their experience isn't valid. Over time, this damages the foundation of trust and respect, making it difficult for the relationship to thrive.
Quote by Mindy Amita Aisling, Authenticity Empowerment Coach
Self-righteousness often manifests as judgment and condescension towards others. Those trapped in their own righteousness tend to view opposing viewpoints as inferior or flawed. This judgmental attitude alienates others and creates a hostile atmosphere, discouraging open communication. People become defensive when they sense condescension, and as a result, constructive dialogue becomes nearly impossible. The focus shifts from understanding and cooperation to proving one's superiority, further widening the communication gap.
Brene Brown Quote
I love the quote (to the left) by Brene Brown.  In the same way, I believe that truly loving someone is cherishing and delighting in their differences rather then tolerating their differences.  Let's face it, when someone is tolerating us and not really accepting us, we can feel it.  They energy of judgement or toleration can infect a relationship with an illness that it is often unable to recover from. 
​
When an individual takes a self-righteous, moral high ground, they enter into the make-believe land of "right" and "wrong".  When we live in this land, we are unable to truly accept others or admit our own shortcomings.  
We look for someone to blame, or we defend ourselves against being blamed.  Self-righteousness breeds disconnection in a relationship. 

Staying firmly entrenched in the belief that one is right creates an emotional disconnect within the relationship. By refusing to acknowledge and validate the other person's viewpoint, you fail to empathize with their emotions and experiences. This emotional disconnect can lead to a sense of isolation and loneliness, as the other person feels unheard and invalidated. Over time, the emotional distance grows, making it challenging to sustain a healthy and fulfilling relationship. 
Wes Angelozzi Quote
​Empathy is an essential component of effective communication. However, self-righteousness hampers the ability to empathize with others' experiences and perspectives. When individuals consider themselves morally superior, they may dismiss or belittle the emotions and experiences of those who disagree with them. ​This lack of empathy can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and broken relationships. Successful communication requires genuine efforts to understand and acknowledge the feelings and viewpoints of others, even if they differ from our own.
Additionally, self-righteousness often causes individuals to resist or disregard feedback and constructive criticism. When people believe they are always right, they are less likely to engage in introspection and self-improvement. Consequently, communication becomes stagnant, as growth and development are hindered by the unwillingness to consider alternative perspectives. True progress is only possible when we are open to feedback and willing to challenge our own beliefs and biases.
Overcoming Self-Righteousness:
  • Cultivate Curiosity: Recognize that nobody possesses the absolute truth and that there is always room for growth and learning. Embrace curiosity as a vital quality in fostering open-mindedness and respectful communication. (More on cultivating curiosity here)
  • Educate Yourself:  Learn how your story is made and understand why you (based on your unique filter) tend to tell yourself a particular story.  Learn more about how to recognize your story in by downloading the DIY Coaching Course The Stories We Tell Ourselves. 
  • Practice Being "The Watcher":  Investigate yourself and your experiences by creating space between your thoughts, feelings and reactions and the real you, also called consciousness, higher self. soul, or authentic self.   (More on being 'the watcher' here)
  • Learn Active Listening: Make a conscious effort to listen attentively and without judgment. Seek to understand others' perspectives fully before formulating a response. This approach encourages empathy and creates a safe space for open dialogue. (For more on active listening, click here)
  • Encourage Dialogue: Create an environment that fosters respectful conversation, where individuals feel comfortable expressing their opinions and experiences. Encourage others to share their viewpoints, even if they differ from your own.
  • Engage in Self-Reflection: Regularly reflect on your beliefs and biases. Challenge yourself to consider alternative perspectives and be open to adjusting your viewpoints based on new information or insights. (For more on Self-Reflection, click here)
  • Embrace Constructive Criticism: View feedback as an opportunity for personal growth rather than an attack on your beliefs. Practice receiving feedback with an open mind and use it to enhance your understanding and communication skills.
The rigid belief that one is right and the other is wrong can seriously damage relationships. We can foster stronger, healthier connections by understanding the consequences of this mindset and implementing strategies to cultivate open-mindedness, active listening, empathy, and constructive dialogue. Remember, relationships thrive on mutual respect, understanding, and a willingness to acknowledge and embrace different perspectives.
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The Three Ways To Know Something

5/29/2023

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The 3 ways to know something and why it matters

Acquiring Knowledge

Acquiring knowledge is a multifaceted process that extends beyond intellectual understanding. It involves engaging with information at intellectual, emotional, and habitual levels, each offering a distinct dimension of comprehension and integration.  Without recognition of the levels of knowing, we can block ourselves from further personal growth and development, accurate self assessment, and deeper connections. 

3 Ways To Know: In the Mind (Intellectually)

Intellectual knowledge refers to the cognitive understanding of facts, theories, concepts, or information. It involves grasping ideas, theories, and principles through reasoning, analysis, and logical thinking. Intellectual knowledge is acquired through education, reading, research, and studying, and is often rooted in objective facts and evidence. 

Example:
I know that eating fast food is unhealthy and will cause me to gain weight.
Action/Result:
I continue you eat fast food because this knowledge is just an intellectual understanding, and I don't really "know" it yet. 

3 Ways To Know: In the Heart (Emotionally)

Emotional knowledge encompasses the experiential and empathetic understanding of information. It involves connecting with knowledge on a deeply emotional level, allowing us to grasp its impact and significance. Emotional knowledge is gained through personal experiences, empathy, and emotional intelligence. It involves recognizing and appreciating the emotional nuances and implications of the knowledge, enabling us to relate to others' experiences and perspectives.

​
Example:
I have a personal experience with health or weight issues. 
Action/Result:
I struggle to stop myself from eating fast food because even though I "get" that is is bad for me, I still in the process of aligning my actions with this truth.

3 Ways To Know: In the Body (Habitually)

Habitual knowledge refers to the practical application and embodiment of knowledge through repeated action and behavior. It involves integrating knowledge into our daily lives, routines, and habits. Habitual knowledge is developed through practice, repetition, and consistent application. It transforms knowledge from a theoretical concept into a practical skill or ingrained behavior. By embodying knowledge habitually, we can effectively translate intellectual understanding into meaningful action.

Example:
I have created habits and routines to support my health and weight.
Action/Result:
I don't eat fast food because I have a deep understanding of how bad it is for my health. Because I honor the love I have for myself, my body, and my life, I am no longer even tempted to eat things that aren't good for me. 
3 Ways To Know Something
Why it Matters
Personal Growth and Transformation: Engaging with knowledge at emotional and habitual levels can drive personal growth and transformation. It allows us to reflect on our values, beliefs, and behaviors, facilitating self-awareness and providing opportunities for growth, change, and self-improvement.
Knowledge transcends mere intellectual understanding. By embracing the emotional and habitual dimensions of knowledge, we enrich our comprehension, foster empathy, and translate knowledge into action. 
Intellectual, emotional, and habitual knowledge work together synergistically to provide a more profound and transformative understanding of the world. By actively engaging with knowledge in all its dimensions, we embark on a journey of growth, empathy, and positive change.

Work with me!
Other blogs that you might enjoy:
Book A Call
The 10 Stages of Personal Growth and Development
​
The 10 Best Books to Improve Your  Communication
​How to Become a Better Listener
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Mastering Effective Communication: Transcending the Reptile Brain

5/28/2023

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Mastering Effective Communication: Transcending the Reptile Brain

Effective Communication: Transcending the Reptile Brain

Communication is the cornerstone of human interaction, enabling us to convey ideas, share emotions, and build connections. However, to truly engage in meaningful conversations, it is essential to transcend our primal instincts and avoid speaking from our reptile brain. In this article, we delve into the concept of the reptile brain, its impact on communication, and explore strategies to communicate more effectively by tapping into our higher cognitive functions.

    Effective Communication: Understanding the Reptile Brain

    The reptile brain, also known as the primitive brain or the lizard brain, refers to the oldest part of our brain, evolutionarily speaking. It controls basic survival functions, including fight-or-flight responses and instinctual behaviors. When we speak from this primal state, our communication tends to be reactive, impulsive, and driven by self-preservation rather than fostering understanding and connection.

    Recognizing the Reptile Brain's Influence

    The reptile brain's influence on communication manifests in various ways. It often leads to knee-jerk reactions, defensiveness, and an inability to truly listen and empathize with others. Speaking from this primitive state can escalate conflicts, hinder effective problem-solving, and damage relationships. Awareness of this influence is the first step toward overcoming its limitations.

    Cultivating Emotional Intelligence

    Emotional intelligence plays a pivotal role in effective communication. By developing self-awareness, empathy, and emotional regulation, we can rise above the limitations of the reptile brain. When faced with challenging conversations, take a moment to identify and understand your emotional triggers. By acknowledging and managing these emotions, you can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
    Active Listening and Empathy
    To foster effective communication, it is vital to engage in active listening and cultivate empathy. When we listen attentively, seeking to understand rather than simply waiting for our turn to speak, we create an environment conducive to meaningful dialogue. Practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, asking clarifying questions, and paraphrasing to ensure accurate understanding.
    Engaging the Pre-Frontal Cortex
    The pre-frontal cortex, the most evolved part of our brain, is responsible for complex cognitive processes, such as reasoning, problem-solving, and empathy. By engaging this part of the brain, we can transcend the limitations of the reptile brain and communicate more effectively. Take a pause before responding, allowing yourself time to process information, analyze perspectives, and choose your words thoughtfully.
    Mindfulness and Reflection
    Incorporating mindfulness practices into communication can help us become more aware of our thought patterns, emotions, and reactions. Mindfulness enables us to observe our reptile brain's impulses without getting swept away by them. Regular reflection on our communication experiences allows us to identify areas for improvement and refine our approach, fostering growth and enhancing our communication skills.
    Effective communication is an art that requires transcending our primal instincts and tapping into higher cognitive functions. By recognizing the influence of the reptile brain and consciously engaging our pre-frontal cortex, we can communicate with empathy, clarity, and intention. Cultivating emotional intelligence, active listening, and practicing mindfulness empower us to navigate conversations more skillfully, fostering deeper connections and achieving more positive outcomes. So, the next time you engage in a conversation, remember to rise above the reptile brain and let the power of higher-level thinking elevate your communication to new heights.

    Book A Session With Me!
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    The 10 Best Books to Improve Your  Communication
    ​How to Become a Better Listener
    Constructive Conflict
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    Communication Tip: Check Your Intention

    5/28/2023

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    Communication Tip: Check Your Intention

    Communication Tip: Check Your Intention

    The human brain is wired for connection, and all of us desire to be seen, heard, and understood as well as feel love, safety, and connection. The primary tool that we use to achieve these things is communication. However, the effectiveness of these conversations often hinges on the intentions behind them. By taking a moment to check our motives before engaging in a conversation, we can foster better connections, promote understanding, and ensure positive outcomes. 

    Communication Tip: Understanding the Influence of Intention

    Intention forms the foundation of effective communication. It shapes the way we express ourselves and influences how others perceive and respond to us. Recognizing the power of intention allows us to be more mindful of the impact our words and actions can have on others. By aligning our intentions with our words and energy, we can create more effective communication.

    Communication Tip: Reflecting on Your Motives

    Before engaging in a conversation, it is essential to take a moment to reflect on our motives.  The three questions that I always ask myself are:
    1. What do I want for me?
    2. What do I want for you?
    3. What do I want for this relationship?

    You can also ask yourself:
    • What do I hope to achieve through this conversation?
    • Am I seeking understanding, resolution, or connection?
    • Am I driven by ego, the need to prove a point, or to assert dominance?

    Honest introspection allows us to become aware of any hidden agendas or biases that might hinder meaningful dialogue.

    Communication Tip: Practicing Empathy and Respect

    Checking our intentions also involves cultivating empathy and respect for the other person's perspective. By genuinely seeking to understand their point of view and respecting their autonomy, we create a safe space for open and honest communication. Avoiding judgment and being receptive to different ideas fosters an atmosphere of mutual respect and cooperation.​
    Communication Tip: Seeking Clarity and Emotional Regulation
    Emotional intelligence plays a vital role in checking our intentions. Before engaging in a conversation, it is crucial to regulate our emotions and approach the discussion with a clear mind. Being aware of our emotional state allows us to communicate more effectively and avoid unnecessary conflict or misunderstanding. By expressing ourselves calmly and respectfully, we encourage a productive exchange of ideas.  Remember:  Don't operate from your reptile brain! ​
    Communication Tip: Considering the Impact on Others
    Every conversation has the potential to impact others in significant ways. Therefore, it is essential to consider the potential consequences of our words and actions. Are we uplifting and supporting others, or are we inadvertently causing harm or discomfort? By adopting a mindful approach, we can ensure that our conversations contribute positively to the well-being of those involved.​
    Communication Tip: Adapting and Learning
    :Reflecting on our conversations and their outcomes enables us to grow and adapt. It allows us to learn from our mistakes, refine our intentions, and improve our communication skills. Embracing a growth mindset helps us become more receptive to feedback, leading to more meaningful and fulfilling conversations in the future.


    Every conversation we engage in offers an opportunity to connect, learn, and grow. By checking our intentions before initiating a dialogue, we can steer our conversations towards positive outcomes. Cultivating empathy, practicing emotional regulation, and considering the impact on others are crucial steps towards fostering healthy and meaningful communication. So, the next time you find yourself preparing for a conversation, take a moment to reflect on your motives, and let your intentions pave the way for a more enriching and harmonious exchange of ideas.

    Communication Coaching
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    Letting Go of People in Your Past

    5/5/2023

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    Letting Go of People in Your Past

    Letting Go of People in Your Past

    One of my favorite quotes is, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." by Jim Rohn. I love this quote because it speaks to the influence that other people have on us.  This process of taking on the vibration, characteristics, thoughts and beliefs of others happens mostly unconsciously.  The fact is that by our very nature, we, as humans, exchange the very essence of our substances when we are in relationship with each other.
    This is why it is imperative that we take great care with who you allow into our lives. Healthy people understand the need to create boundaries in order to express their truest, most authentic selves.  Relationships are often characterized by layers of boundaries. 

    As you become the healthiest, most healed version of yourself, it is normal to continue to update your boundaries & the rules for what behaviors you allow in your life.   It is natural to outgrow people and situations.  Creating new "higher standards" for who you allow into your life is a sign that the investments you've been making in your personal growth are paying off. 

    (*Please note that having high standards for how people are allowed to interact with you allows you to increase the intimacy and vulnerability you have with others.  With healthy boundaries you can actually be more authentic and present with other people in your life.  I mention this because sometimes people get confused between having high standards and pushing people away to avoid emotional intimacy.  That's something different, and not what I'm recommending.)
    Relationships and Boundaries
    As you can see in the chart to your left, understanding what circle a person is in is key to understanding what types of boundaries to have with that person, and also how many fucks to give about that person's opinions and feedback.  

    For example, if you are in my core circle and you provide me with feedback, I am going to pay attention and set aside time to sit with what you've said to decide if, and how, it might be true for me.  If you are in the outside circle in my life and you provide me with feedback, I won't spend 30 seconds thinking about what you said.  Giving a fuck takes valuable time and energy, and my fucks are to precious to give away willie-nillie.  
    In a similar way, I adjust the rules for what behaviors I allow in each circle in response to the impact that circle has on my life.  For example, in my Core Circle and Inner Circle, I absolutely don't accept dishonesty.  Period.  If you are repeatedly dishonest with me, then you move out to a distant circle. If you are allowed to influence me and the decisions that I make regarding my one precious life, then (hell, yes!) I require specific standards of behavior from you.  That is how much I care about myself and the life that I'm creating.  
    Now, let's talk about that furthest outside circle, the 'Restricted' circle.  This is for people who treat us in a way that creates harm or requires us to self abandon.  For example, if someone repeatedly uses gaslighting behavior with me, or if someone has harmed me or a loved one and refuses to take accountability for that harm, that person is not allowed in my life. Unfortunately, this can sometimes be someone close to us.  For me, this is my mom.  That sucks, but in order to love myself and honor the life that I have worked hard to create, it is necessary. 
    As a highly sensitive person, empath, and introvert, building boundaries has been one of the most challenging areas of personal growth and development for me.  I am a naturally compassionate person who feels everyTHING and everyONE, and for many years it felt unempathetic and unloving to have boundaries.  As I healed and grew in my personal growth journey, I realized that the most loving thing that I can do for myself and others is define my edges with firm boundaries.   If you identify and highly sensitive or empathetic, learning to establish healthy boundaries is especially important because of the high impact that other people have on you. 
    Even people who have been a core part of your past, aren't necessarily part of your destiny.  One of the most powerful acts of self love in your life is building boundaries and regulating the impact that others have on you. 

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    The 10 Best Books to Improve Your Communication

    4/8/2023

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    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication

    Effective communication is an essential skill that greatly impacts our personal and professional lives. Whether you're aiming to enhance your relationships, excel in your career, or simply express yourself more clearly, reading books on communication can be a valuable investment. With a plethora of options available, I've have compiled a list of the ten best books that will equip you with the tools and insights to become a better communicator.

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Crucial Conversations

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Crucial Conversations
    "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. This book offers practical strategies to handle difficult conversations. It provides tools to navigate emotionally charged situations, build mutual understanding, and achieve positive outcomes.

    Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book:

    “As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror.”

    “Instead of getting hooked and fighting back, break the cycle. See their aggressive behavior for what it is – a sign of violated safety – then step out of the conversation, build safety, and step back into the content.”

    ​
    “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears—by listening to them.”

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: How to Win Friends and Influence People

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: How to Win Friends and Influence People
    "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie: Considered a classic, this book provides timeless advice on building strong relationships, making a lasting impression, and influencing others through effective communication techniques.

    Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:

    ""Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.""

    "Three-fourths of the people you will meet are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you."

    "One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses."


    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Nonviolent Communication

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Nonviolent Communication
    "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg: Rosenberg's book emphasizes compassionate communication, promoting empathy, and resolving conflicts peacefully. It teaches readers to express themselves honestly and listen with empathy to foster understanding and connection.

    “All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”

    “We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.”

    ​“My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.”

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Influence
    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Influence
    "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion" by Robert Cialdini: Understanding the psychology behind persuasion is crucial for effective communication. Cialdini explores six principles of influence and offers valuable insights into how to ethically influence others' decisions.

    Here are some of my favorite quotes from this book:


    “In general, when we are unsure of ourselves, when the situation is unclear or ambiguous, when uncertainty reigns, we are most likely to look to and accept the actions of others as correct.”

    “Our best evidence of what people truly feel and believe comes less from their words than from their deeds.”

    “We will use the actions of others to decide on proper behavior for ourselves, especially when we view those others as similar to ourselves.”

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Difficult Conversations
    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Difficult Conversations
    "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen: This book tackles the art of handling tough conversations with grace and effectiveness. It provides practical frameworks to address sensitive topics, manage emotions, and foster constructive dialogue.

    Here are some of my favorite quotes from this book:

    Remind yourself that if you think you already understand how someone feels or what they are trying to say, it is a delusion. Remember a time when you were sure you were right and then discovered one little fact that changed everything. There is always more to learn.”


    “People almost never change without first feeling understood.”

    ​“Learning that you can’t control the other person’s reaction, and that it can be destructive to try, can be incredibly liberating. It not only gives the other person the space to react however they need to, but also takes a huge amount of pressure off you. You will learn things about yourself based on their reaction, but if you are prepared to learn, you’ll feel free from the desperate need for their reaction to go one certain way.”

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Made to Stick
    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Made to Stick
    "Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die" by Chip Heath and Dan Heath: Clear and memorable communication is a skill that can be honed. The Heath brothers reveal the principles behind sticky ideas and offer strategies to craft compelling messages that resonate with others.

    Here are some of my favorite quotes from this book:


    “To make our communications more effective, we need to shift our thinking from "What information do I need to convey?" to "What questions do I want my audience to ask?”

    “The Curse of Knowledge: when we are given knowledge, it is impossible to imagine what it's like to LACK that knowledge.”

    ​“Don't think outside the box. Go box shopping. Keep trying on one after another until you find the one that catalyzes your thinking. A good box is like a lane marker on the highway. It's a constraint that liberates.”

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: The Charisma Myth
    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: The Charisma Myth
    "The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism" by Olivia Fox Cabane: Charisma plays a significant role in effective communication. Cabane shares practical techniques to develop charisma, improve self-confidence, and establish a compelling presence.

    Here are a few of my favorite quotes from this book:


    “One of the main reasons we’re so affected by our negative thoughts is that we think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid. This, however, is a fallacy. Our mind’s view of reality can be, and often is, completely distorted.”

    “Whatever your mind believes, your body will manifest.”

    ​“The key questions are: Which mental state would be most useful in this situation? And which version of reality would help you get there?”


    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Just Listen
    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: Just Listen
    "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone" by Mark Goulston: Active listening is a powerful tool in communication. Goulston provides practical tips to enhance listening skills, build rapport, and foster deeper connections with others.

    “So when you encounter problem people, realize that there’s a reason they’re behaving the way they do. It may be a new problem: a health scare, money problems, or job pressures. It may be a long-term problem: anxiety about not being good enough for a job, anger at not being respected, fear that you don’t find them attractive or intelligent. And, yes: It may be that they’re actually just jerks (but they’re usually not). Open your own mind and look for the reasons behind the behavior, and you’ll take the first step toward breaking down barriers and communicating with an “impossible” person.”

    people work hard and do their best, and they want the world to acknowledge that they’re intelligent, valuable, and creative.”

    “Making someone “feel felt” simply means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. When you succeed, you can change the dynamics of a relationship in a heartbeat. At that instant, instead of trying to get the better of each other, you “get” each other and that breakthrough can lead to cooperation, collaboration, and effective communication.”

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication:Talk Like TED
    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication:Talk Like TED
    "Talk Like TED: The 9 Public-Speaking Secrets of the World's Top Minds" by Carmine Gallo: Whether you're giving a presentation or simply conversing with others, public speaking skills are invaluable. Gallo distills the techniques used by top TED speakers and offers insights into delivering impactful messages.

    ​Here are a few of my favorite quotes from this book:


    “Science shows that passion is contagious, literally. You cannot inspire others unless you are inspired yourself. You stand a much greater chance of persuading and inspiring your listeners if you express an enthusiastic, passionate, and meaningful connection to your topic.”

    “It’s been said that success doesn’t lead to happiness; happiness creates success.”

    “It’s just about being you and being cool with that. And I think when you’re authentic, you end up following your heart, and you put yourself in places and situations and conversations that you love and that you enjoy. You meet people that you like talking to. You go places you’ve dreamt about. And you and up following your heart and feeling very fulfilled.”

    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: The Art of Communicating
    The 10 Best Books To Improve Your Communication: The Art of Communicating
    "The Art of Communicating" by Thich Nhat Hanh: This book emphasizes the importance of mindful communication. Hanh provides guidance on cultivating deep listening, speaking from the heart, and fostering understanding in all relationships.

    Here are a few of my favorite quotes from this book:


    “Nothing can survive without food. Everything we consume acts either to heal us or to poison us. We tend to think of nourishment only as what we take in through our mouths, but what we consume with our eyes, our ears, our noses, our tongues, and our bodies is also food. The conversations going on around us, and those we participate in, are also food. Are we consuming and creating the kind of food that is healthy for us and helps us grow? When we say something that nourishes us and uplifts the people around us, we are feeding love and compassion. When we speak and act in a way that causes tension and anger, we are nourishing violence and suffering.”

    ​“Once you can communicate with yourself, you'll be able to communicate outwardly with more clarity. The way in is the way out.”

    ​“Compassion is born from understanding suffering. We all should learn to embrace our own suffering, to listen to it deeply, and to have a deep look into its nature.”


    ​Improving communication skills can have a profound impact on every aspect of our lives. The ten books listed above offer valuable strategies, techniques, and insights to enhance your communication prowess. Whether you're seeking to navigate difficult conversations, build strong relationships, or deliver impactful speeches, these books will equip you with the knowledge and tools to become a more effective communicator. Remember, effective communication is a lifelong journey, and reading these books is an excellent step towards continuous growth and improvement.

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    The Clingy Partner: A Red Flag in Relationships

    4/4/2023

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    The Clingy Partner: A Red Flag in Relationships
    In any romantic relationship, it is essential for both individuals to maintain a healthy level of independence and personal space. However, when one partner becomes excessively clingy or dependent, it can be a major red flag that warrants attention and consideration. While it is important to recognize that occasional neediness is natural, an overly clingy partner can pose challenges to the overall health and longevity of the relationship. 

    Defining Clinginess:

    Clinginess in a relationship refers to a pattern of behavior where one partner becomes excessively needy, requiring constant attention, reassurance, and validation. This behavior often stems from a place of insecurity, fear of abandonment, or a desire to control the other person. Clingy partners often have difficulty being alone or managing their emotions without the constant presence of their significant other.

    The Red Flags:
    1. 🚩Lack of personal boundaries: A clingy partner may struggle with respecting personal boundaries, constantly invading their partner's personal space and time. This behavior can make the other person feel suffocated and overwhelmed, leading to a sense of loss of individuality.
    2. 🚩 Emotional exhaustion: Constantly catering to a clingy partner's needs can drain emotional resources and create a sense of exhaustion. The need for constant reassurance and attention can leave the other person feeling drained, which can ultimately strain the relationship.
    3. 🚩 Limited personal growth: Clinginess often restricts personal growth and self-discovery. When a partner becomes overly dependent, it hinders both individuals' ability to pursue individual interests, hobbies, and goals, limiting their personal development and fulfillment.
    4. 🚩 Loss of trust: Clinginess can breed insecurity and a lack of trust in the relationship. Constant neediness and the fear of being abandoned may lead to possessive behaviors, monitoring the other person's activities, or feeling threatened by their interactions with others.
    5. 🚩 Imbalance in the relationship: A clingy partner may demand an unequal amount of time, attention, and emotional support, creating an imbalance in the relationship dynamics. This can lead to resentment, frustration, and feelings of being overwhelmed for the other partner.

    Addressing Clinginess:
    ​

    If you find yourself in a relationship with a clingy partner, it is crucial to address the issue proactively and compassionately. Here are a few steps to consider:
    1. ➡️ Communication: Open and honest communication is key. Express your feelings and concerns in a calm and non-accusatory manner, emphasizing the importance of personal space and independence.
    2. ➡️ Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries that allow both partners to have their personal time and pursue individual interests. Encourage your partner to develop their own hobbies and support their personal growth.
    3. ➡️ Encourage self-esteem building: Help your partner develop a strong sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Encourage them to engage in activities that promote self-esteem and independence.
    4. ➡️ Seek professional help if necessary: In some cases, clinginess may stem from deeper emotional issues such as anxiety or attachment disorders. If the clinginess persists and significantly impacts the relationship, it may be beneficial to seek the assistance of a professional therapist or counselor.
    5. ➡️ Leave the relationship:  If your partner is unwilling to get help and repeatedly disregards your boundaries, the best option might be to leave the relationship. 

    While occasional neediness is natural in relationships, excessive clinginess can be a red flag that should not be ignored. It is essential to foster a healthy balance of independence and togetherness in any romantic relationship. 
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      Mindy Amita Aisling

      Authenticity Empowerment