In a world that often romanticizes the idea of eternal love and "happily ever after," the notion of ending a relationship can be met with skepticism and sadness. However, it's essential to recognize that there are circumstances when ending a relationship can actually be a positive and transformative step. In fact, staying in a relationship beyond the point of healthy uncoupling can be detrimental to the mental and emotional health of the partners (and children) in the marriage. The Christianization of our society has sold us a story that shames the naturally occurring ending of some relationships - this is not a story that you have to accept. It's okay for you to feel positive as you move forward to end your marriage or long-term relationship.  While, of course, the decision is never taken lightly, here are some reasons why ending a relationship can be a good thing:

1. Personal Growth and Self-Discovery. Relationships provide a unique mirror through which we see ourselves and our behaviors reflected. When a relationship reaches a point where growth and self-discovery are stunted or hindered, ending it can open doors to personal development. The process of healing and moving forward can encourage individuals to explore their own aspirations, passions, and strengths that might have been overshadowed within the confines of the relationship.
2. Toxic Dynamics and Unhappiness​. Not all relationships are healthy or conducive to well-being. Toxic dynamics marked by emotional abuse, manipulation, or constant conflicts can erode the mental and emotional health of both partners. Ending such a relationship becomes a critical step in reclaiming one's self-esteem, peace of mind, and happiness.
3. Divergent Life Paths. As time passes, individuals may evolve in different directions with distinct life goals and values. A relationship that was once harmonious might no longer align with the aspirations of both partners. In such cases, ending the relationship can allow each person to pursue their dreams and life paths independently, without compromising their individual identities.
4. Emotional and Mental Well-being. A thriving relationship should contribute positively to one's emotional and mental well-being. However, when a partnership begins to cause excessive stress, anxiety, or depression, it becomes counterproductive. Prioritizing emotional and mental health often means recognizing when a relationship is taking a toll and making the difficult choice to end it.
5. Creating Space for Positive Relationships. Just as clearing clutter creates space for new possibilities, ending a relationship can create space for healthier connections to enter your life. It's an opportunity to engage with others who resonate with your values, interests, and aspirations. Embracing change opens the door to new friendships, romantic partnerships, and enriching experiences.
6. Preventing Stagnation. A relationship that is no longer fulfilling can lead to emotional stagnation and complacency. The discomfort of ending a relationship can act as a catalyst for personal reinvention and exploration. It encourages individuals to step out of their comfort zones, take risks, and seek experiences that invigorate their lives.
7. Respecting Boundaries and Autonomy. Every individual deserves to be in a relationship where their boundaries and autonomy are respected. Ending a relationship that disregards these fundamental principles is an act of self-respect. It communicates the value of personal agency and reminds both partners that a healthy partnership should be built on mutual respect and consideration.

As much as we might wish otherwise, we are not omnipotent beings capable of fulfilling every need and desire our partner has. Human beings are inherently diverse, and our needs are multifaceted. These needs can range from emotional support and intimacy to practical assistance and validation. While our intentions might be pure, our limitations are a reality we must confront.

It's important to remember that being unable to meet all our partner's needs does not diminish our worth or commitment to the relationship. Recognizing our limitations is a sign of self-awareness. Just as our partner is not responsible for fulfilling all our needs, it is unhealthy for us to carry the responsibility of our partner's needs (more on this here). 

Communication Is Key

When we realize that we're unable to meet certain needs of our partners, honest and open communication becomes more crucial than ever. Suppressing these feelings of inadequacy or guilt can create a barrier in the relationship. Instead, engage in a heartfelt conversation with your partner. Express your willingness to understand and support them while acknowledging the areas where you might fall short.

This dialogue is not about blaming oneself or one's partner, but rather about finding solutions together. Perhaps you can work together to identify alternative sources of support or find compromises that address both partners' needs. Remember, you are only limited by your own creativity!  Transparency and vulnerability in these discussions can pave the way for a more resilient and compassionate connection. 

Seeking External Support

When there are specific needs that you cannot fulfill due to inherent limitations or circumstances, it's wise to explore external avenues of support. This could involve seeking advice from friends, family, or professionals who specialize in the relevant areas. For instance, if your partner is dealing with a mental health challenge, a trained therapist could offer the expertise and guidance necessary to navigate that journey.  If your seeking to increase your creativity regarding the meeting of needs in your relationship, coaching is a great tool and I encourage you to seek out a free first time (joint or individual) session. 

Cultivating Empathy and Understanding

In times when you cannot meet your partner's needs, empathy and understanding become invaluable tools. First, use these tools on yourself, and take care to not put yourself down or enter into a shame cycle because of your inability to meet your partner's needs.  You can also put yourself in their shoes and imagine how it might feel to have an unfulfilled need. Empathy and compassion (for self and other) are the 'grease' in a relationship - they keep it running smoothly, so use them as frequently as possible!

Encourage your partner to share their feelings and thoughts openly. Validate their emotions and reassure them that their needs are valid, even if you cannot meet them entirely. Sometimes, just being a supportive presence and actively listening can make a significant positive impact.

The Strength of a Resilient Relationship

An inability to meet all of our partner's needs doesn't equate to failure or inadequacy. Instead, it's an opportunity for growth and strength within the relationship. Challenges are a natural part of any partnership, and how we navigate them defines the depth of our connection.

By communicating openly, seeking external support, and cultivating empathy, partners can find new ways to support each other through various situations.  It is also important to note that sometimes ending a relationship can be a good thing, and the most appropriate thing in a given situation.  If a relationship ends, you can close that chapter with love and grace. 

When you and your partner are committed to a healthy "meeting of the needs", without blame or judgement, incredible things can happen.  So, let go of how you think it should be, get curious, and explore how things can be when you let your partner "off the hook" for meeting your needs.

Have you ever experienced that overwhelming wave of discomfort and regret after opening up and being vulnerable? That gnawing feeling that maybe you revealed too much or shared something that should have remained hidden? Welcome to the realm of the vulnerability hangover, a phenomenon that many of us have encountered but few truly understand. Let's delve into what a vulnerability hangover is and explore strategies to overcome it.

Understanding the Vulnerability Hangover
The term "vulnerability hangover" was coined by Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and storyteller who has extensively studied vulnerability, shame, and courage. This phenomenon refers to the intense feeling of emotional discomfort or even regret that follows after we've shared something personal, authentic, or vulnerable with others. It's that sinking sensation that leaves us questioning our decision to be open and exposed.

Why Does It Happen?
Vulnerability hangovers arise from a collision of emotions. When we share something personal or authentic, we open ourselves to the possibility of judgment, rejection, or misunderstanding. Our brain's natural response to potential threats is to trigger discomfort, anxiety, and even shame. This is a survival mechanism, but in the context of vulnerability, it can manifest as a vulnerability hangover.

Curing the Vulnerability Hangover
While the vulnerability hangover can be uncomfortable, it's important to recognize that it's a sign of growth and courage. It indicates that you've stepped out of your comfort zone and allowed yourself to be seen authentically. Here are strategies to help you navigate and cure the vulnerability hangover:

1. Self-Compassion:
Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that feeling vulnerable is a natural part of being human. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a close friend who's experiencing a similar situation.

2. Reflect:
Take some time to reflect on why you chose to be vulnerable in the first place. What was the intention behind sharing your thoughts or experiences? Often, recognizing the positive reasons behind your actions can help alleviate the discomfort.

3. Normalize It:
Understand that vulnerability hangovers are common, especially when we step outside our comfort zones. Knowing that others experience this too can reduce the feeling of isolation.

4. Challenge Negative Thoughts:
If you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts or self-criticism, challenge them. Consider whether those thoughts are based on facts or if they're being blown out of proportion by your vulnerability hangover.

5. Seek Support:
Talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling. Sharing your vulnerability hangover experience with a friend or confidant can help you process your emotions and gain a different perspective.

6. Embrace Growth:
Remind yourself that vulnerability is a catalyst for personal growth and connection. The discomfort you're feeling is a sign that you're pushing boundaries and evolving as an individual.

7. Stay Present:
Practice mindfulness techniques to stay present and grounded. Focusing on the here and now can help alleviate the anxiety associated with a vulnerability hangover.

8. Practice Gradual Exposure:
If vulnerability hangovers are a recurring issue for you, consider practicing gradual exposure. Start by sharing smaller, less intense vulnerabilities before gradually working your way up to more personal topics.

9. Embrace Imperfection:
Recognize that nobody has it all figured out. Embrace your imperfections and understand that vulnerability is a sign of authenticity, not weakness.

10. Celebrate Courage:
Acknowledge and celebrate the courage it took to be vulnerable. Focus on the bravery you demonstrated rather than fixating on any perceived shortcomings.

The vulnerability hangover may be uncomfortable, but it's a testament to your willingness to be genuine and open with others. Instead of allowing it to hold you back, use it as a stepping stone toward personal growth and deeper connections. By practicing self-compassion, reframing your thoughts, and celebrating your courage, you can navigate vulnerability hangovers and reap the rewards of living an authentic and fulfilling life.

​Empathy is an essential component of effective communication. However, self-righteousness hampers the ability to empathize with others' experiences and perspectives. When individuals consider themselves morally superior, they may dismiss or belittle the emotions and experiences of those who disagree with them. ​This lack of empathy can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and broken relationships. Successful communication requires genuine efforts to understand and acknowledge the feelings and viewpoints of others, even if they differ from our own.

Acquiring the knowledge we need to transform our lives is an exciting journey that goes beyond just intellectual understanding. It’s about engaging with information on three key levels: intellectual, emotional, and habitual. Each level adds a unique layer to our understanding and helps us integrate what we learn into our lives. If we overlook these different ways of knowing, we might limit our personal growth, miss out on accurate self-assessment, and struggle to connect deeply with others. It is only by embracing all three areas of knowledge that we can unlock our full potential.

Intellectual knowledge refers to our cognitive understanding of facts, theories, and concepts. It involves grasping ideas through reasoning, analysis, and logical thinking. We typically acquire this knowledge through education, reading, research, and study, relying on objective facts and evidence. For example, we might understand that eating fast food is unhealthy and can lead to weight gain.
​
Example: You know that fast food is bad for your health.
Action/Result: Despite this knowledge, you may still find yourself reaching for that burger because this understanding hasn’t fully translated into a change in behavior.

Emotional knowledge encompasses the empathetic understanding we gain through personal experiences. It allows us to connect with information on a deeper emotional level, enabling us to appreciate its significance and impact. This form of knowledge helps us recognize the emotional nuances of our experiences and the experiences of others, fostering genuine connections.

Example: You have faced health or weight issues personally.
Action/Result: Even though you understand the consequences of eating fast food, you still struggle to change your habits.  At times you're able to make healthy food choices, but when your busy or under stress you default make to your old habits. 

Habitual knowledge refers to the practical application and embodiment of knowledge through repeated actions and behaviors. It involves integrating what we know into our daily routines and habits, transforming theoretical concepts into practical skills. This level of knowledge is developed through consistent practice and repetition, allowing us to align our actions with our understanding.

Example: You’ve established healthy habits and routines to support your well-being.
Action/Result: You no longer crave fast food, as you’ve cultivated a deep respect for your health and body. Because of this alignment, you find joy in making nourishing choices that honor your well-being.

When we engage with knowledge across all three dimensions, we not only enhance our understanding but also empower ourselves to take meaningful action. This holistic approach opens the door to personal growth, authentic self-assessment, and deeper connections with others.  By recognizing and integrating intellectual, emotional, and habitual knowledge, you can unlock your full potential and lead a life that is not only informed but also deeply fulfilling. Remember, it’s not just about knowing; it’s about living your knowledge every single day!​

Communication is the cornerstone of human interaction, enabling us to convey ideas, share emotions, and build connections. However, to truly engage in meaningful conversations, it is essential to transcend our primal instincts and avoid speaking from our reptile brain. In this article, we delve into the concept of the reptile brain, its impact on communication, and explore strategies to communicate more effectively by tapping into our higher cognitive functions.

The human brain is wired for connection, and all of us desire to be seen, heard, and understood as well as feel love, safety, and connection. The primary tool that we use to achieve these things is communication. However, the effectiveness of these conversations often hinges on the intentions behind them. By taking a moment to check our motives before engaging in a conversation, we can foster better connections, promote understanding, and ensure positive outcomes. 

Before engaging in a conversation, it is essential to take a moment to reflect on our motives.  The three questions that I always ask myself are:

1. What do I want for me?
2. What do I want for you?
3. What do I want for this relationship?

You can also ask yourself:

• What do I hope to achieve through this conversation?
• Am I seeking understanding, resolution, or connection?
• Am I driven by ego, the need to prove a point, or to assert dominance?

Honest introspection allows us to become aware of any hidden agendas or biases that might hinder meaningful dialogue.

Checking our intentions also involves cultivating empathy and respect for the other person's perspective. By genuinely seeking to understand their point of view and respecting their autonomy, we create a safe space for open and honest communication. Avoiding judgment and being receptive to different ideas fosters an atmosphere of mutual respect and cooperation.​

Emotional intelligence plays a vital role in checking our intentions. Before engaging in a conversation, it is crucial to regulate our emotions and approach the discussion with a clear mind. Being aware of our emotional state allows us to communicate more effectively and avoid unnecessary conflict or misunderstanding. By expressing ourselves calmly and respectfully, we encourage a productive exchange of ideas.  Remember:  Don't operate from your reptile brain! ​

Every conversation has the potential to impact others in significant ways. Therefore, it is essential to consider the potential consequences of our words and actions. Are we uplifting and supporting others, or are we inadvertently causing harm or discomfort? By adopting a mindful approach, we can ensure that our conversations contribute positively to the well-being of those involved.​

:Reflecting on our conversations and their outcomes enables us to grow and adapt. It allows us to learn from our mistakes, refine our intentions, and improve our communication skills. Embracing a growth mindset helps us become more receptive to feedback, leading to more meaningful and fulfilling conversations in the future.


Every conversation we engage in offers an opportunity to connect, learn, and grow. By checking our intentions before initiating a dialogue, we can steer our conversations towards positive outcomes. Cultivating empathy, practicing emotional regulation, and considering the impact on others are crucial steps towards fostering healthy and meaningful communication. So, the next time you find yourself preparing for a conversation, take a moment to reflect on your motives, and let your intentions pave the way for a more enriching and harmonious exchange of ideas.

One of my favorite quotes is, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." by Jim Rohn. I love this quote because it speaks to the influence that other people have on us.  This process of taking on the vibration, characteristics, thoughts and beliefs of others happens mostly unconsciously.  The fact is that by our very nature, we, as humans, exchange the very essence of our substances when we are in relationship with each other.

This is why it is imperative that we take great care with who you allow into our lives. Healthy people understand the need to create boundaries in order to express their truest, most authentic selves.  Relationships are often characterized by layers of boundaries. 

As you become the healthiest, most healed version of yourself, it is normal to continue to update your boundaries & the rules for what behaviors you allow in your life.   It is natural to outgrow people and situations.  Creating new "higher standards" for who you allow into your life is a sign that the investments you've been making in your personal growth are paying off. 

(*Please note that having high standards for how people are allowed to interact with you allows you to increase the intimacy and vulnerability you have with others.  With healthy boundaries you can actually be more authentic and present with other people in your life.  I mention this because sometimes people get confused between having high standards and pushing people away to avoid emotional intimacy.  That's something different, and not what I'm recommending.)

In a similar way, I adjust the rules for what behaviors I allow in each circle in response to the impact that circle has on my life.  For example, in my Core Circle and Inner Circle, I absolutely don't accept dishonesty.  Period.  If you are repeatedly dishonest with me, then you move out to a distant circle. If you are allowed to influence me and the decisions that I make regarding my one precious life, then (hell, yes!) I require specific standards of behavior from you.  That is how much I care about myself and the life that I'm creating.  

Now, let's talk about that furthest outside circle, the 'Restricted' circle.  This is for people who treat us in a way that creates harm or requires us to self abandon.  For example, if someone repeatedly uses gaslighting behavior with me, or if someone has harmed me or a loved one and refuses to take accountability for that harm, that person is not allowed in my life. Unfortunately, this can sometimes be someone close to us.  For me, this is my mom.  That sucks, but in order to love myself and honor the life that I have worked hard to create, it is necessary. 

As a highly sensitive person, empath, and introvert, building boundaries has been one of the most challenging areas of personal growth and development for me.  I am a naturally compassionate person who feels everyTHING and everyONE, and for many years it felt unempathetic and unloving to have boundaries.  As I healed and grew in my personal growth journey, I realized that the most loving thing that I can do for myself and others is define my edges with firm boundaries.   If you identify and highly sensitive or empathetic, learning to establish healthy boundaries is especially important because of the high impact that other people have on you. 

Even people who have been a core part of your past, aren't necessarily part of your destiny.  One of the most powerful acts of self love in your life is building boundaries and regulating the impact that others have on you. 

Effective communication is an essential skill that greatly impacts our personal and professional lives. Whether you're aiming to enhance your relationships, excel in your career, or simply express yourself more clearly, reading books on communication can be a valuable investment. With a plethora of options available, I've have compiled a list of the ten best books that will equip you with the tools and insights to become a better communicator.

"How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie: Considered a classic, this book provides timeless advice on building strong relationships, making a lasting impression, and influencing others through effective communication techniques.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:

""Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.""

"Three-fourths of the people you will meet are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you."

"One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses."

"Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg: Rosenberg's book emphasizes compassionate communication, promoting empathy, and resolving conflicts peacefully. It teaches readers to express themselves honestly and listen with empathy to foster understanding and connection.

“All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”

“We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.”

​“My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.”