Letting Go of People in Your Past

Letting Go of People in Your Past

One of my favorite quotes is, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." by Jim Rohn. I love this quote because it speaks to the influence that other people have on us.  This process of taking on the vibration, characteristics, thoughts and beliefs of others happens mostly unconsciously.  The fact is that by our very nature, we, as humans, exchange the very essence of our substances when we are in relationship with each other.

This is why it is imperative that we take great care with who you allow into our lives. Healthy people understand the need to create boundaries in order to express their truest, most authentic selves.  Relationships are often characterized by layers of boundaries. 

As you become the healthiest, most healed version of yourself, it is normal to continue to update your boundaries & the rules for what behaviors you allow in your life.   It is natural to outgrow people and situations.  Creating new "higher standards" for who you allow into your life is a sign that the investments you've been making in your personal growth are paying off. 

(*Please note that having high standards for how people are allowed to interact with you allows you to increase the intimacy and vulnerability you have with others.  With healthy boundaries you can actually be more authentic and present with other people in your life.  I mention this because sometimes people get confused between having high standards and pushing people away to avoid emotional intimacy.  That's something different, and not what I'm recommending.)

As you can see in the chart to your left, understanding what circle a person is in is key to understanding what types of boundaries to have with that person, and also how many fucks to give about that person's opinions and feedback.  

For example, if you are in my core circle and you provide me with feedback, I am going to pay attention and set aside time to sit with what you've said to decide if, and how, it might be true for me.  If you are in the outside circle in my life and you provide me with feedback, I won't spend 30 seconds thinking about what you said.  Giving a fuck takes valuable time and energy, and my fucks are to precious to give away willie-nillie.  

In a similar way, I adjust the rules for what behaviors I allow in each circle in response to the impact that circle has on my life.  For example, in my Core Circle and Inner Circle, I absolutely don't accept dishonesty.  Period.  If you are repeatedly dishonest with me, then you move out to a distant circle. If you are allowed to influence me and the decisions that I make regarding my one precious life, then (hell, yes!) I require specific standards of behavior from you.  That is how much I care about myself and the life that I'm creating.  

Now, let's talk about that furthest outside circle, the 'Restricted' circle.  This is for people who treat us in a way that creates harm or requires us to self abandon.  For example, if someone repeatedly uses gaslighting behavior with me, or if someone has harmed me or a loved one and refuses to take accountability for that harm, that person is not allowed in my life. Unfortunately, this can sometimes be someone close to us.  For me, this is my mom.  That sucks, but in order to love myself and honor the life that I have worked hard to create, it is necessary. 

As a highly sensitive person, empath, and introvert, building boundaries has been one of the most challenging areas of personal growth and development for me.  I am a naturally compassionate person who feels everyTHING and everyONE, and for many years it felt unempathetic and unloving to have boundaries.  As I healed and grew in my personal growth journey, I realized that the most loving thing that I can do for myself and others is define my edges with firm boundaries.   If you identify and highly sensitive or empathetic, learning to establish healthy boundaries is especially important because of the high impact that other people have on you. 

Even people who have been a core part of your past, aren't necessarily part of your destiny.  One of the most powerful acts of self love in your life is building boundaries and regulating the impact that others have on you. 

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