The Art of Fighting Fair: Nurturing Healthy Conflict Resolution

Healthy Conflict Resolution

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, be it personal or professional. However, how we handle conflict determines the overall health and longevity of our connections. Fighting fair is a crucial skill that allows us to navigate conflicts with respect, empathy, and a commitment to finding mutually beneficial resolutions. In this article, we will explore strategies for fighting fair and fostering healthy conflict resolution. 

Additionally, I recommend having a conversation with anyone that you're in a close relationship with about how you are going to fight, what rules you are going to follow, and boundaries you are going to respect.  While the suggestions below are good ideas for all relationships, the truth is that when you form a close relationship with another human, both you and the other person are nuanced and unique, and the relationship itself is nuanced and unique due to the circumstances surrounding it.  Therefore, customizing the way you communication (including resolving conflicts) in each relationship is beneficial. 

Healthy Conflict Resolution Tip: Check Intention

The human brain is wired for connection, and all of us desire to be seen, heard, and understood as well as feel love, safety, and connection. The primary tool that we use to achieve these things is communication. However, the effectiveness of these conversations often hinges on the intentions behind them. Before engaging in a conversation, it is essential to take a moment to reflect on our motives.  The three questions that I always ask myself are:

1. What do I want for me?
2. What do I want for you?
3. What do I want for this relationship?

(Read More About Checking Your Intention Here)

Choose the Right Time and Place

Timing is crucial when engaging in conflict resolution. Avoid discussing sensitive issues when you or the other person is tired, stressed, or distracted. Find a quiet and private space where both parties feel comfortable expressing themselves without interruptions or external pressures. Creating a conducive environment sets the stage for productive conversations.

Seek to Understand

Approach conflicts with an open mind and a genuine desire to understand the other person's perspective. Practice active listening by giving them your full attention, asking clarifying questions, and summarizing their points to ensure accurate comprehension. Showing empathy and validation can help foster a sense of safety and trust, promoting more effective communication. (Learn More About Active Listening Here)

Healthy Conflict Resolution Tip: Use "I" Statements and Express Emotions

When expressing your concerns or grievances, focus on your own experiences and emotions using "I" statements. This approach avoids assigning blame and fosters a collaborative atmosphere. Clearly articulate how specific actions or behaviors make you feel, emphasizing the impact they have on you rather than attacking the other person's character.

Take Responsibility for Your Actions

Acknowledge your role in the conflict and take responsibility for any actions or behaviors that contributed to it. This demonstrates humility and a willingness to grow and learn.

Apologize sincerely when necessary and express a commitment to making positive changes moving forward. Please note that a commitment is different than a promise.  Taking responsibility for your actions requires accurate self-assessment.  Be honest about who you are and what your abilities are.  For example, 

Stay on topic

Stay on the topic that was originally brought up for discussion.  This means that the person who brought up the issue, concern, or feeling will be primarily taking the role of the speaker, and the other person will be taking the role of the listener.  As the listener, it can be normal to experience an impulse to tell your side of the story, be defensive, or turn the conversation around and blame the other person.  If you're able to control these feelings, stay in the conversation and, if necessary, you can even take notes on the thoughts and feelings that the topic is bringing up for you.  You can reference this notes after a few days, and if the concerns feel valid, you can bring them to the other person.  This avoids reactive, defensive "hurts" in the relationship, it saves time and energy, and it allows you to further understand yourself and reveal your authenticity.  If you are unable to control these feelings, ask for a time out and return to the conversation when you're not in your reptile brain.  

Take Responsibility For Your Needs

When you know what you need, and you take 100% responsibility for getting your needs met, you no longer expect the other person to read your mind, or give you what you want.  Assumptions and expectations go out the window, and clear requests and healthy boundaries come in the front door.  

Practice Creativity, Compromise and Win-Win Solutions

Approach conflict resolution with a mindset of finding win-win solutions. Explore various options and be open to compromise. Look for common ground and seek creative solutions that address the needs and interests of both parties. Remember, the goal is to find resolutions that are mutually beneficial and promote the growth and harmony of the relationship.

Remember the big picture

Above all, remember the big picture!  If you are in relationship with this person, my guess is that you want to create a positive, loving, safe relationship.  Keep your ultimate goal for the relationship in mind as you move through the conflict. 

Take Breaks and Practice Self-Care

Sometimes conflicts can become heated or emotionally charged. It is important to recognize when emotions are escalating and take breaks if necessary. Step away temporarily to calm down, gather your thoughts, and regain emotional balance. Engage in self-care activities that help you relax and rejuvenate before returning to the discussion with a clearer mindset.

Fighting fair is an essential skill that promotes healthy conflict resolution and strengthens relationships. Remember, conflicts are opportunities for growth, understanding, and strengthening our connections with others. By fighting fair, we foster healthier relationships and create a foundation for long-lasting harmony.

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