Healthy Conflict ResolutionConflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, be it personal or professional. However, how we handle conflict determines the overall health and longevity of our connections. Fighting fair is a crucial skill that allows us to navigate conflicts with respect, empathy, and a commitment to finding mutually beneficial resolutions. In this article, we will explore strategies for fighting fair and fostering healthy conflict resolution. Additionally, I recommend having a conversation with anyone that you're in a close relationship with about how you are going to fight, what rules you are going to follow, and boundaries you are going to respect. While the suggestions below are good ideas for all relationships, the truth is that when you form a close relationship with another human, both you and the other person are nuanced and unique, and the relationship itself is nuanced and unique due to the circumstances surrounding it. Therefore, customizing the way you communication (including resolving conflicts) in each relationship is beneficial. Healthy Conflict Resolution Tip: Check IntentionThe human brain is wired for connection, and all of us desire to be seen, heard, and understood as well as feel love, safety, and connection. The primary tool that we use to achieve these things is communication. However, the effectiveness of these conversations often hinges on the intentions behind them. Before engaging in a conversation, it is essential to take a moment to reflect on our motives. The three questions that I always ask myself are:
Choose the Right Time and PlaceTiming is crucial when engaging in conflict resolution. Avoid discussing sensitive issues when you or the other person is tired, stressed, or distracted. Find a quiet and private space where both parties feel comfortable expressing themselves without interruptions or external pressures. Creating a conducive environment sets the stage for productive conversations. Seek to UnderstandApproach conflicts with an open mind and a genuine desire to understand the other person's perspective. Practice active listening by giving them your full attention, asking clarifying questions, and summarizing their points to ensure accurate comprehension. Showing empathy and validation can help foster a sense of safety and trust, promoting more effective communication. (Learn More About Active Listening Here) Healthy Conflict Resolution Tip: Use "I" Statements and Express Emotions
Apologize sincerely when necessary and express a commitment to making positive changes moving forward. Please note that a commitment is different than a promise. Taking responsibility for your actions requires accurate self-assessment. Be honest about who you are and what your abilities are. For example, Stay on topicStay on the topic that was originally brought up for discussion. This means that the person who brought up the issue, concern, or feeling will be primarily taking the role of the speaker, and the other person will be taking the role of the listener. As the listener, it can be normal to experience an impulse to tell your side of the story, be defensive, or turn the conversation around and blame the other person. If you're able to control these feelings, stay in the conversation and, if necessary, you can even take notes on the thoughts and feelings that the topic is bringing up for you. You can reference this notes after a few days, and if the concerns feel valid, you can bring them to the other person. This avoids reactive, defensive "hurts" in the relationship, it saves time and energy, and it allows you to further understand yourself and reveal your authenticity. If you are unable to control these feelings, ask for a time out and return to the conversation when you're not in your reptile brain. Take Responsibility For Your NeedsWhen you know what you need, and you take 100% responsibility for getting your needs met, you no longer expect the other person to read your mind, or give you what you want. Assumptions and expectations go out the window, and clear requests and healthy boundaries come in the front door. Practice Creativity, Compromise and Win-Win SolutionsApproach conflict resolution with a mindset of finding win-win solutions. Explore various options and be open to compromise. Look for common ground and seek creative solutions that address the needs and interests of both parties. Remember, the goal is to find resolutions that are mutually beneficial and promote the growth and harmony of the relationship. Remember the big pictureAbove all, remember the big picture! If you are in relationship with this person, my guess is that you want to create a positive, loving, safe relationship. Keep your ultimate goal for the relationship in mind as you move through the conflict. Take Breaks and Practice Self-CareSometimes conflicts can become heated or emotionally charged. It is important to recognize when emotions are escalating and take breaks if necessary. Step away temporarily to calm down, gather your thoughts, and regain emotional balance. Engage in self-care activities that help you relax and rejuvenate before returning to the discussion with a clearer mindset. Fighting fair is an essential skill that promotes healthy conflict resolution and strengthens relationships. Remember, conflicts are opportunities for growth, understanding, and strengthening our connections with others. By fighting fair, we foster healthier relationships and create a foundation for long-lasting harmony.
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Building a strong and healthy relationship requires trust, understanding, and mutual respect between partners. However, some individuals may engage in a pattern of behavior known as continual testing, which involves constantly pushing their partner's boundaries, loyalty, and commitment. This article aims to shed light on why continuous testing is unacceptable and how it can be detrimental to the overall well-being of a relationship.
Defining Continuous Testing: Continuous testing in a relationship refers to a repetitive cycle of challenging and questioning a partner's fidelity, loyalty, or commitment. This behavior often stems from deep-seated insecurities, fear of betrayal, or a need for control. It involves setting up scenarios or deliberately creating situations to observe and evaluate the partner's reactions or responses. The Damaging Effects of Continuous Testing:
Addressing Continuous Testing: If you find yourself in a relationship where continuous testing is present, it is crucial to address the issue and establish healthy boundaries. Here are some steps to consider:
Continuous testing is a harmful behavior that undermines trust, erodes emotional well-being, and damages the foundation of a healthy relationship. It is important to recognize this behavior as unacceptable and take proactive steps to address it. So, you’ve found yourself in a situation where you are having a conversation with someone who has a different opinion than you. Maybe it is even an opinion that you vehemently disagree with, causing bile to rise up from your gut. It’s okay. Here’s how to handle it. #1 - Take a Time Out. If you are feeling angry, defensive, and reactionary – you are in your reptile brain, and there are only a few things you can do in your reptile brain: Fight, Flight, Fawn or Freeze. Since none of these things will not help to have a productive conversation, you need to get back into your cortex or thinking brain. Remember, you can always ask for a moment to think, you can count to 20 in your head before responding, or excuse yourself to the restroom or to get a drink. Do whatever you need to do to create a bit of time for yourself to get out of your reactionary mode. (For more information about that reactionary space, also known as an amygdala hijack, check out my blog here.) #2 - Listen. Okay, now that you are back in your cortex and you can operate like a human and not a reptile, the first order of business is to listen. Now, let me tell you a secret about listening… most people don’t know how to do it. The lack of listening skills is epidemic in our American culture. I have a blog on listening skills here, but these are the basics you need to know in a situation where you are conversing with someone with a vastly different opinion than you:
“You said it even better than I could have said it” “Yes! You totally get me!” Then, and ONLY THEN, can you go to the next step. #3 - Share your position. Now that you are positive that you’ve heard and understood the other person, you can clearly express your opinion. To allow yourself to be more easily heard, use these tips: ➡️ Be aware of your energy. Lets be honest here, when someone thinks that you are wrong, dumb or foolish – you can feel that energy. All of us have had a time when we’ve experienced someone’s words being nice, but their energy saying something very different. So, keep your energy open and curious. ➡️ Keep your Language Positive. Stay away from name calling, labeling, or using sweeping generalizations.
➡️ Use Expansive Words. Stay away from closed words like “always” and “never” that limit possibilities. This also includes ‘should-ing on’ people. Don’t ‘should’ on someone. No one should be a different way. Allow others to be exactly who they are. For list of expansive language, click here. ➡️ Do not use sarcasm. Sarcasm can often be misunderstood and can frequently feel like a put-down. If you do use sarcasm, clarify it and your reasons for using it. ➡️ No ad hominem attacks. This basically means, do not direct your argument against the person, remember to direct it at the position they are maintaining. ➡️ Offer Respect. ALL of us have value and our environments created all of the opinions, feelings and thoughts we each have. Stay open and curious about why the other person sees the world as they do (especially if it’s vastly different than your own world view). ➡️ Check in. Ask the person to repeat in his or her own words what you have said so that you can make sure that no miscommunication has occurred. You can repeat this process as many times as you need to. Even if both of you walk away retaining your original opinions, you will walk away feeling good because you have been heard, accepted, acknowledged and respected. It’s not about forcing people to think like us and be like us, folks. It is about sharing ourselves in an open and vulnerable way and listening to others with the intent to understand them. This is communication. This is how we make a difference in the world. If you are interested in more on this topic, I recommend Energy Leadership for an inspiring, easy read about how your energy communicates to others, and the power behind learning how to use energy in your life. I also love Marshall B. Rosenburg's book, NonViolent Communication. Rosenburg says, "Empathy allows us to re-perceive our world in a new way and move forward." I couldn't agree more. Listening is one of those skills that most people take for granted. We think we know how to do it. In fact, we are so sure that we know how to listen that most of us never even consider taking a course or reading a book to learn how to listen.
My experience, however, is that very few people are good listeners… but those that are, they are revolutionizing their relationships, empowering people around them, and leaving a positive footprint in the world. Here is a simple breakdown of the three types of listening: Level One: Subjective (All about the listener) Subjective listening occurs when whatever is said is heard through the experiences of the listener and how they relate to the listener. Listening in this case, is based on the agenda or needs of the listener and rarely satisfies the speaker. Level one listening:
Level Two: Objective (neutral) Objective listening occurs when the listener is completely focused on the other person. There is no thought about how any of the information relates personally to the listener. This level is more effective than subjective listening, and is sometimes very effective, but often doesn’t get to the “heart” of the matter. Here is an example of level two listening:
Level Three: Intuitive or Active (all about the speaker) Intuitive listening occurs when the listener is using all sensory components and intuitively connecting to the real message of the speaker. The listener has all his or her attention on not only what the speaker says, but also how they say it (the tone of voice, energy level, feelings, etc.), including what ISN'T being said. This level is the most powerful form of listening, and when mastered, allows the listener the opportunity to deeply connect with the speaker. This level of listening is an act of love. When a person listens at a level three, you are helping the speaker explore what they are sharing and even understand it deeper themselves. This level of listening is the seed for emotional intimacy, understanding, connection, collaboration, and growth. It’s important to remember that it doesn’t matter if the listener's intuition is right or wrong – simply exploring it will open the conversation and build intimacy with the speaker. Here is an example of level three listening:
What type of listening do you use most often in your day-to-day life? How would practicing this skill impact your life? Interested in discovering how coaching could help you get extraordinary results in your life & work? Schedule a complimentary 30-minute consultation. |
AuthorMindy Amita AislingAuthenticity EmpowermentLife Coaching for Big-Hearted Overthinkers & Entreprenerds🐲Own Your Weird
🌎 Change Your World ⬇️ DIY Courses 👩🏻💻1:1 RemoteCoaching Fully Accredited ICF Certified Mindy Amita Aisling, is a professionally trained and board-certified leadership, authenticity, and entrepreneur coach.
Mindy exceeds all requirements set forth by the International Coaching Federation (ICF) for Master Coach certification. Mindy is also a licensed mediator, communications coach, and conflict resolution practicer. As a mediator, she has worked both in private practice and as a court appointment mediator at her local county courthouse. Through her innovative approach, she assists clients in examining their limiting beliefs, questioning their assumptions about how the world works, and releasing the notion that they are anything less than perfect. As a result, individuals who work with Mindy cultivate the ability to stand firm in their beliefs, live authentically and decisively, and discover an experience of life that is easy and graceful. In 2021, Mindy founded How to Be Human and Entreprenerd. These programs have enabled her to share her wisdom and knowledge with a broader audience in service of her vision of helping others live authentic lives This, in turn, has empowered more individuals to lead their most TRUE and COURAGEOUS lives. When she is not working, Mindy can be found playing outdoors in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, creating art, spending time with friends & family, or with her nose deep in a book. You can sign up for her newsletter here. Archives
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