My Journey of Unlearning People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is a deeply ingrained behavior that often stems from unmet emotional needs in early life. It’s the belief that being agreeable, useful, or accommodating is the only path to acceptance and love. But this mindset is rooted in distorted thinking patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of self-sacrifice and emotional exhaustion. Recognizing and challenging these patterns is the first step toward reclaiming our worth and living authentically.
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Erroneous Thinking Patterns in People-Pleasing

1. Need Suppression:
   • Healthy Thought: "They are not able to meet my needs. Does this relationship still work for me?"
   • People-Pleaser's Thought: "They are not able to meet my needs. How do I stop having these needs?"
2. Sensitivity Denial:
   • Healthy Thought: "What boundaries can I set to protect myself from their hurtful behavior?"
   • People-Pleaser's Thought: "How can I make myself less sensitive to this hurtful behavior?"
3. Compatibility Misjudgment:
   • Healthy Thought: "If they are not able to meet my needs, we're probably not compatible."
   • People-Pleaser's Thought: "If they are not able to meet my needs, my needs must be too much."
4. Over-Functioning:
   • Healthy Thought: "If they are not willing to put in effort to maintain our relationship, this isn't going to work."
   • People-Pleaser's Thought: "If they're not willing to put in effort, I'll do all the work myself."
5. Self-Worth Contortion:
   • Healthy Thought: "Do they like me for who I am?"
   • People-Pleaser's Thought: "How can I shapeshift to get them to like me?"

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I was born into a world where love felt conditional—something to be earned, not freely given. I didn’t have a parental figure who loved me unconditionally, who saw me as their first priority, or who protected me with unwavering loyalty. If you have that in your life, you possess a rare and beautiful gift—one you likely take for granted.

Growing up, I learned that love came with terms and expiration dates. My needs were "too much," and my emotions were "too sensitive." I remember once coming home from school, desperate to talk about something exciting that happened, only to be met with disinterest. I internalized the lesson: Don’t be too excited. Don’t be too anything.

Without unconditional love as a foundation, I navigated relationships like a tightrope walker, constantly adjusting my balance to avoid rejection. I worked tirelessly to become what I thought others wanted—a chameleon shedding its skin again and again, never feeling truly known.
As an adult, I carried these patterns into friendships, romantic relationships, and even professional settings. I bent over backward to make myself indispensable, thinking If I am useful enough, they will want me. It felt safer to be needed than to be loved.

The most difficult relationships were with my parents. Even now, as I try to rebuild connections with them, I find myself slipping into old patterns. A few years ago, I arranged a special birthday dinner for one of them—something thoughtful and personal. When my effort went unnoticed, I felt that familiar sting of inadequacy. My immediate thought was: Maybe I should’ve tried harder. Maybe I expected too much.

It wasn’t until I hit emotional rock bottom that I began confronting these distorted beliefs. Therapy helped, but so did moments of raw self-awareness. I remember journaling one night, scribbling furiously: Why do I believe I have to be less to be loved? The answer was painfully clear—I had never been taught otherwise.

Learning to reframe these thoughts has been like untangling a knotted ball of yarn. I still catch myself thinking, How can I fix this? when a relationship feels strained. But now, I pause and ask: Is this mine to fix? Sometimes the answer is no.

One defining moment came when a close friend canceled plans repeatedly without apology. Old me would’ve downplayed my hurt and worked harder to accommodate them. But instead, I set a boundary: "I value our friendship, but I need reliability in return." It was terrifying—and liberating.
Healing from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming cold or detached; it’s about recognizing that love rooted in self-betrayal isn’t real love at all. I’m learning that my worth isn’t tied to how useful or agreeable I can be. I am enough, just as I am.

Today, I choose relationships that feel mutual and supportive. I still struggle—years of conditioning don’t disappear overnight—but I’m no longer a shapeshifter in search of acceptance. I’m learning to show up fully, needs and all, and trust that I’m worthy of being met halfway.
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Empowerment Insight: You are not too much. Your needs are valid. You are worthy of love and respect simply because you exist. Let go of the belief that you have to shrink, over-give, or change who you are to be loved. Real connection happens when you are seen and accepted for your authentic self.